Bells will ring

Was at a wedding recently. I'd almost forgotten how much fun those things are -especially when they're not your own. It was a wonderful celebration of love and I'm really glad we went.

Got to thinking about what marriage is and why it matters. I'm always impressed when two people decide to make that kind of commitment to each other. I like the optimism that seems to ooze from every pore of the happy couple. The thought that this is forever, that nothing will come between them and that there will always be someone right next to you.

Weddings alway bring out the romantic side of me. I know firsthand just how much work is involved in keeping a relationship going. Believe me, no one wants to hear about how you resolved the socks on the floor or the no, I changed the baby last time, it's your turn now issues. That's not fun, it's not pretty, it's just life. A wedding is like the antithesis of that. It's pretty, light, fun, filled with lots of declarations of acceptance and love.

I love the idea of wearing someone's ring again. Making a public statement of my commitment and telling everyone that not only do I love, but that I am loved. Amazing what a simple band can do.

Powerful words

is this your life jackie brown?
poorly educated and forced to live
on the poor side of town
is this your daughter jackie brown?
this pretty little girl
in the worn out clothes
that have been hand me down
is this your wife jackie brown?
sad blue eyes
walking on eggshells so that you don't see her frown
is this your family jackie brown?

dream of vacationing on a mountain stream
and giving the world more than it gave you
what ugly truths, freedom brings
and it hasn't been very kind to you
is this your life jackie brown?

is this your meal jackie brown?
barely enough
i've seen people throw more than this out
is this your home jackie brown?
this three room shack
with no running water
and the bathroom out back
is this your grave jackie brown?
this little piece of limestone
that says another desperate man
took himself out
is this your dream jackie brown?

going nowhere and nowhere fast
we shame ourselves to watch people like this live
but who gives a damn about jackie brown?
just another lazy man who couldn't take what was his

one hell of a life jackie brown
forever more jackie brown
well amen and amen jackie brown

Many thanks to John Mellencamp for writing so powerfully that it gives me goosebumps every time I hear it. I never really considered myself a "political" person (although I do admit to having a suitcase full of opinions on just about everything under the sun) but this song really does make me think. Makes me wonder if maybe I could be doing more for my fellow man. I hate seeing people suffer, especially children. We are so lucky to have a healthy girl and to be able to provide for her. She'll never likely know the pain of going hungry or the fear of wondering where she'll sleep at night. I just hope we can raise her to be aware of the world around her and to ensure that she wants to leave this world a little better than she found it. I know I sure do.

Full Circle

I had dinner with a long time friend on the weekend (and by long time, I mean 30 years now) and was speaking with another "older" friend earlier this week and it got me to wondering about where I am now and how I got here.

Growing up in a small town, I was a pretty stereotypical nerd. I was smart, wore glasses and had the social skills of an overly enthusiastic dog. I just wanted people to like me and to recognize that I was cool or special or SOMETHING. Like a lot of young people, I was awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin.

By the time I was ready to enter high school, I was determined to be someone else. A better, cooler, less gawky version of myself. The me I could see in my mind's eye, not the doofus from earlier years. It was easier, I thought, to make the change then, since I wouldn't be constantly surrounded by the people I'd grown up with to that point. The high school was fed by ALL the public schools in town, so I could make new friends, be someone else and NO ONE would know any different.

As with most of the best laid plans, this grand scheme only sort of worked. I re-acquainted myself with some old friends from earlier public school years and was accepted as a larger part of their group. We had a lot of fun in that group - going to theme parks, cottage weekends, parties etc. I felt like part of a group, an accepted member. Things were good.

As I can see now, looking back, being a part of that group made me feel good, but it seriously stymied my forming other friendships in the school. Oh sure, I met a bunch of other people and they were fun and interesting, but I never really opened up to them or became tight friends with them since I already had my own group.

Since most of the gang were older, they all graduated and moved on before I did. Things changed, as they always do. We drifted. Some friendships were finally revealed to be the toxic wastelands that they really were. Some people dropped off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again.

By the time I was ready for university, I was done with the small town and ready to re-invent myself, yet again. This time I would get it right. I would be someone else entirely. Someone who didn't make mistakes with boys or treat people badly. Someone who wouldn't let others dictate the course of my life or try and manipulate me into being or doing something that wasn't really me. I swore that nothing would bring me back to that little town or that old me.

Fast forward a number of years: I've got great friends from my short stint in university, a friendship with my ex-husband and his family, a new relationship and a child of my own. I live in another small-ish town, but I did manage stay true to my never-going-home creedo.

It's amazing how much clearer things become with time, distance and maturity. I realize now that I really didn't have to leave to become someone else and that the memories of my youth really did create the me that I am now. Sure, if I could go back in time to visit a younger version of me, there are TONS of life lessons that I'd be sure to impart. If I could do that, however, I really doubt I'd be sitting here now, writing this.

What I have learned, however, is this. I didn't have to leave everyone and everything from that small town behind. I can and have re-kindled old friendships and they are rich and satisfying in ways that I never believed they could be. While you may not ever really be able to go home, I think, sometimes, you can bring bits of home to you. And that is truly a great thing.

So.......what's new???

Where to even begin?

Things in this corner of the universe have been pretty much status quo for the past little while. Get up, feed kid, take kid to daycare, come home, work for a while, pick kid up, eat dinner, bathe kid, read books about bears who are capable of space travel, put kid to bed, try and catch up on: email, friends, family, pile of books beside the bed, latest magazines, crosswords and sudokos and see what my better half has been doing. Pretty standard life I guess. Doesn't sound really very exciting when you lay it all out like that though, does it?

I think everyone goes through phases like this. The whole, wondering where things are going, asking if you're doing what you were meant to with your life, questioning "is this really all there is?" My life, as a whole, is actually pretty good. I'm gainfully employed, my family is healthy (not accounting for the odd bouts of crazy, but that's pretty standard) we have food and shelter which we can afford and generally speaking, really bad things haven't happened to any of us. Still, there is a very little part of me that pipes up on occasion and reminds me that I had always thought that my life would be more, well, interesting. Shouldn't I be famous by now? Won a Nobel prize for something? Found a cure for cancer at the very least?

Bah. Don't mind me. I'm just wallowing in a pit of boredom currently. No doubt there will be another family health scare or several more inches of water in my basement to amuse me in the very near future. Pretty sad that the only thing I have to whine about is how good my life is. We should all be so lucky.

Next week my mom will be here visiting. Can't wait to see what sort of adventures we have. Trips to the mall? Outings to the park? Maybe even a night out with my hubby?? Stay tuned!

Dreaming of a nap..

Apparently teething and a full night's sleep are two things that don't really go well together. The under four foot set had us up for the better part of the evening for no real apparent reason. Best guess we've got is that there are new teeth in the works (possibly the eye teeth, but really, who knows)

I remember in the first few weeks of her life how exhausted I was from being up every 3-4 hours. This is worse. Instead of getting up and eating and going back to sleep, she's up and wanting to be held for hours at a time. Someone please tell me that this gets better at some point!

All I can say is it's a darned good thing that she's cute, otherwise her father and I would be putting her in a box at the curb with a sign that says "Free to a good home". According to my mother in law, she'd be willing to sweeten the deal by adding her 90 pound, 5 year old "puppy". With a combination like that, I'm sure I'd only have to pay someone $50 dollars to take them both away....

Green with envy

It's bright and early on this gray and dreary morning and while I'm supposed to be working already, I thought I'd take a moment to add a post to my blog (for the 3 people who actually want to know what I've been up to)

Mostly, I've been stewing in a creative funk regarding this silly posting page. I know, I know, it's supposed to be a random thoughts, free association, long winded spiel on nothing in particular and everything in general. I can't help it. I always want my posts to be snappy, witty and catchy. I suspect I'm failing on everyone of those levels, but I still like to try. Of course, what I'm doing in the meantime is checking out other people's blogs and turning green with envy about the apparent ease with which they make a post come to life. I read some of my friend's blogs and I can just about hear them talking to me and I'm laughing as I imagine their nuances and facial expressions. I'm also reading other people's blogs (people I'm never going to meet) and marveling at their mastery of the English language and the clever way they write - darn it I want to be perceived as intelligent and suave. I want to be one of the cool kids!

Instead, my dear readers, what you get is this. Your basic bundle of neurosis and self doubt. I only hope that on occasion you chuckle - if not with me, then at least at me.

Check out some of the blog links I have on my page. Who knows? Maybe you'll find a new favorite.

No comics were harmed in the making of this blog post

It's 15 degrees here and sunny (at least, it was earlier today) and that's a welcome respite from the multiple centimetres of snow that I left on Sunday.

My new job is working out really well. The people are super amazing (just like the people I just left) and the work is challenging and interesting. The only problem I can see at this point is that I'm working 11+ hours every day while on site. I'm sure I'll be back into a more manageable 8-9 hour days when I get home.

Contrary to popular belief, I don't make it a habit to go around threatening my friends' lives. Of course, I'm willing to sacrifice myself and my reputation at the alter of comedy, but only for very important people.

Beyond that, there's not too much to tell right now. Unless of course you count the news that 21 people were laid off from my last company. Very not cool. I only hope that things work out for the best for all of them.

All I need now is a couple hours of sleep and a Leafs win. Which do you think is more likely to end up in the success pile?

Will the ringing ever stop?

It's a bright and cold Tuesday noon as I type this, while waiting for my primary machine to grind its way into life. All of the hard work of chipping away at the ice yesterday has finally paid off - instead of a wading pool in the basement, we now have a skating rink in the driveway. Is summer ever going to get here?
Was out in Hamilton last night (I know, I know, not exactly party central) to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. I honestly think that Copps is a MUCH better venue for rock and roll than the ACC. It's a little smaller and the energy from the crowd was amazing. 2.5 hours of listening to Bruce and the boys give it everything they've got was a fantastic way to spend the evening. Of course, it didn't hurt that we were actually able to get out of the house without the 30" dictator.....
Today I'm wandering around the house, humming "She's the One" and "Thunder Road" and wondering how I became such a Boss fan. I suspect Pat's been sending me subliminal messages for the past 5 years. I'm also wondering when my hearing will return to normal. If my ears are still ringing 12 hours + later, I guess that means that I'm getting old.

Small aside to Darcy and TVA - you guys are just perfect the way you are. Don't ever change.

If sorry seems to be the hardest word, then goodbye is second

The countdown has begun. Tomorrow will be the last time I board the Greyhound for the trek into the big city. There are so many things I will miss about leaving this job: the people, the neighbourhood, the joy of human interaction every day, the lively debates about reality television and the food (actually, the food is a very close second to the people for things I'll miss)

It's only been 4 months since I returned to the daily grind of office work and while I enjoy the interaction and the new challenges offered, the commute to and from the office is putting a rather serious dent into my "new" life.

I've made such good friends here and it was with a very heavy heart that I came to the conclusion that leaving was really the right thing to do. While the rest of my life will likely align itself in a more orderly fashion, I will truly miss the jokes and laughter over the wall of my cube, the morning bagels, the good news sharing about mutual friends/former colleagues.

No one ever said change was easy, but sometimes it's necessary. To my dear friends, I say not goodbye but, until next time. It has been an honour and a pleasure to have shared the past 3 years with you all.

Infamy is an awful lot of work

Apparently, getting in on the ground floor of new podcast is the best way to get your name mentioned on the internet. My dear friend Todd and his wonderful producer Darcy managed to sneak my name in on this week's podcast yet again. What this of course means for me now is that I need to find new and exciting ways to get them to mention me in future episodes. I'm hooked on the euphoric high of hearing my name on the airwaves. Do you think there's a 12 step program for this?

Of course, it would be better in general if there were more listeners for Todd and Darcy. These boys need feedback people! It's not easy being funny at 7 in the morning every week without ideas for new material. So listen often (heck, subscribe even. It's free!) and feedback with abandon. You too may experience the euphoric rush of hearing your name on the internet. How can you possibly top that?

Who really needs sleep when there's cable?

As some of you may be aware, we have a little person in our house now. No, we didn't take in a midget roommate. Instead, we opted for the "create your own carbon copy" version. Our daughter is a whopping 15 months old already and has been an incredible adventure to date.

As with all adventures, there are good and bad bits. There are the times when you're so glad you have a camera handy to record the stuff you'll probably never see again and there are times when you wish that you could just hit the reset button and try again. Since we've started day care, I'm leaning towards the latter.

Apparently it's pretty normal for a child to become rather ill, many, MANY times once they have been exposed to other children in a day care setting. I can handle this. I was expecting colds, flus and possibly the odd bout of pink eye. What I wasn't expecting was pneumonia in the first 3 weeks and 4 ear infections in the first 3 months. Currently, we've got so many doctors for JP that her day calander is beginning to look like that of a local hospital! She's been on antibiotics almost constantly since she started. Dear Lord, does this ever stop? Was I supposed to become a stay at home mom? Is this a not so subtle hint that I'm on the wrong path?

The one thing helping to keep me sane through all of this is television. I always feel better after watching late night infomercials or re-runs of talk shows that involve circus contortionists and their love affairs with ponies. Compared to all of that, my problems are small and I'm practically verging on normal!

Hey it's TVA - I'm practically famous!

My dear friend Todd Van Allen is a comic whom I happen to adore (I also think he's very funny which is apparently a good thing for comics). I try and catch his show whenever I can steal away from the house for a couple of hours (now that I've moved of course, this is much harder than it used to be)

For those of you who would like to sample some of Todd's amazing wit, feel free to check him out at:

www.heyitstva.com

He's got a fabulous podcast going, which incorporates a bit of schtick with his producer and his weekly on air banter with bob.fm in the thousand islands region.

Since I'm such a fan, I've of course subscribed to the podcast and decided to let them know that I was listening by providing them with feedback. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished, so this week's broadcast includes a reference to me (by NAME no less!) and uses my suggestion for a top 10 list.

Being the drama queen that I am (minus the stage or soap box to perform on) I am shamelessly plugging my 3 seconds of (non) fame here on my (not so popular) blog. Head over to the website, take a listen, enjoy the laughs and remember this: pot makes everything seem much funnier.

Happy 2008 everyone!

Someone much wiser than I once said that if you do what you love, the money will follow. Now, I can't really argue with that logic (how can you honestly?) but as someone who sometimes needs to pee on the electric fence, just to prove that it does hurt, it's rather hard to fathom that someone would pay me enormous sums to, say, complete jigsaw or crossword puzzles daily. Far be it for me to argue with the will of the universe though. Things always seem to work themselves out, even if they don't make much sense at the time.

Currently, I'm trying to juggle the whole work/family balance and all I've really managed to do is tip the scales rather unfavourably in the direction of work. Too much commuting time has left me frustrated and stressed out. Needless to say, this isn't exactly contributing to a whole lot of harmony in the house right now.

Couple that with some rather surprising health scares in the past week and what you've got here is a pretty stressed out little puppy. Perhaps if I drank more it would help?

On the other hand, I'm gainfully employed (as is my wonderful significant other) and our little one is mostly healthy (darned colds!). We've got family around and food on the table. Is there anything more to ask for?

Given that the positives are currently outweighing the negatives, it's safe to say that 2008 is starting out fairly well. Now, all I have to do is find those winning lottery numbers before the draw tomorrow night......

1 year later

I guess it hasn't been quite 1 year since I last posted here, but it's awfully darn close (364 days to be exact)
In case anyone was wondering, we had the baby. Our little girl, Jacquelyn Paige arrived 3.5 weeks early and has been an endless source of amusement and sleeplessness since.
What have we been up to since? Well, raising the little girl has been remarkably time consuming. We also bought a house and moved an hour away from where we were staying. Now, I feel like a retro 50's housewife from Monday to Friday. Never let it be said that parenthood doesn't change you.
Just thought I should update this, at least once in a while. With any luck, there will be more very soon.

11 weeks and counting...everyone PANIC

So there's a crib now, although it's missing a mattress and needs to be assembled. I suppose we needed to start somewhere. Next stop, getting the excess furniture out of what will eventually be the baby's room.

Junior is getting big right on schedule and has decided that kicking mom is it's current favorite activity.

Work is, well, work. Lots of extra hours, trying to get things done before the "blessed event" occurs. You'd think I'd have LESS to do now that I can't travel any more.

Spamalot was the absolute BEST show ever. Monty Python is the absolute apex of humour and fun. Life would be much better if everyone just watched John Cleese silly walk once in a while. How can anyone possibly be in a bad mood with humour like that around?

Back to the ole grindstone

It's official. The last "adults only" vacation is now merely a memory. We spent 7 glorious days in Mexico (about 35 km from Playa Del Carmen) eating, drinking and generally being merry while the stress of every day life slipped away.

I can't even begin to express how nice it was to get away and to not think about work or anything else. I got in some snorkelling (apparently I need a little more practice), sunbathing, reading (2 books and 2 crosswords done!) shopping and sightseeing. Could you ask for anything else on a vacation?

Ok, well, a drink would have been nice. But aside from that....

Saw some of the reef that lives just off the coast at the resort and swam with the fishies who call that area home. In fact, some of the coolest fish (yellow ones with black stripes) apparently mistook me for some coral or other wildlife and kept running into me. Can't wait to tell the baby that it was "kissed" by fish at 23 weeks.....

Of course, all good things must come to an end and on Sunday we made the long trek home. Luckily, I didn't have to fly back to Vegas immediately. Of course, the trade off is that I'm working 10-12 hours per day to catch up and complete the work that needs to be done before we start our training classes next week.

With any luck, this busy-ness will soon slow down and I can start worrying about a few other things, closer to home. Like "what sort of car seat should we buy?" And, "will we be reported to childrens services if we opt to let the kid sleep in a sock drawer for the first 6 months of it's life?"

Stay tuned. Spamalot tickets are in my hot little hands for next week and I can hardly wait. How anyone managed before Monty Python existed is beyond me.

What happens in Vegas.......is usually work

Welcome to the sardine can.

I'm currently ensconced in a cube at the MGM Corporate offices, with 2 of my (now) closest, dearest colleagues. Luckily, we all like each other enough to manage to share without the loss of life or tempers.

The weather has been good this week (at least, better than home where it's hitting 45+ Celsius) so I can't complain much about that either.

Got to love this city. It's the only place where you can see the uber-rich (or at least, those who want to protray themselves as such) and the blue collar working class playing in the same gardens. There are shows, lights, food, booze, women, men and just about anything else you can possibly imagine - all within walking distance. What's not to love?

I got the opportunity to visit a suite in the Wynn hotel last night (don't go getting any crazy ideas I was only there as a spectator) and WOW is all I can say. Talk about beautiful. I had no idea the other half lived like that. Must remember to win the lottery in the next few weeks....

It's certainly been a while since I posted here last. I don't really have any good explanation except that I'm lazy. Period. Of course, it could have something to do with the fact that I'm five months pregnant now and have been obsessing about that for a few months.....

Life is certainly changing. Perhaps I'll remember to make a few notes about it while it's still fresh in my mind....

Stay tuned.

Death in the family

It's happened again.

Death.

While I understand logically that it happens to all of us and is a part of the natural order of things, it still sucks huge.

Especially when someone you love suffers because of it.

I've lived through the deaths of friends, co-workers, grandparents and other assorted relatives, but it still manages to catch me off guard. There really is no way to prepare for it or to be ready when it finally happens.

So today I'm hugging everyone a little longer, telling everyone I know that I love them and reminding myself that I should do this every day. Not just when the bad stuff happens.

Elisa, wherever you are (and if I have anything to say about it, you're in a much better place) you are missed. Not just by me (who knew you mostly in passing) but by the many, many people who loved you while you were here and will continue to do so now that you're gone.

You brought laughter and love into the lives of those you came in contact with. You've left a hole that no other will ever be able to fill. You left far too early, with too much left to do.

I only hope I can be strong enough to support the one you left behind who matters most to me.

Mental note to self: love deeply and often. Don't forget to mention it always.

Life really is too short.

Friday or why relationships are so much work

Well, here we are.

Friday again. Finally.

Although I would much prefer to believe that I work to live, there are far too many instances of late where I am living to work.

Needless to say, all work and no play has made this Jane a very boring girl.

Of course, it also sets the stage for conflict in every other relationship I'm currently involved in.

My parents wonder if I'm here or have jetted off to another country for work (again)

My sister wishes I'd come and visit. Apparently the kids miss me. I suspect the oldest one is ready for college by now and I was pretty sure the last time I saw him he was only 2.

My roommate is about the only person who sees me any more and that's only because we share living space and similar sleeping patterns.

Finally, my romantic relationship has hit what is affectionately known as a rough patch. Not enough face time, too many pressures and one too many late night phone calls with too much to discuss and not enough solutions.

Sigh.

Does anyone really mind the work that's involved in keeping a relationship going? I don't think so, not if you truly care about the people involved. The question of course is, does it have to be THIS hard?

My guess is no. I suspect, like a lot of others, I make things much harder on myself than they need to be. Trying to do too much and then beating myself up when I fail to succeed. Or at least fail to be as perfect as I expect myself to be.

Bottom line is I'm not perfect. Never have been (no matter how hard I tried). Probably never will be. Some aspirations are harder to shake than others I suppose.

So here I am world, warts and all. Take it or leave it.

Me, I'm off to the movies with friends to eat popcorn and have a laugh or two. Tomorrow is another day and I'm pretty sure that as long as I'm breathing, it'll be a good one.

Passion

Passion:

A powerful emotion, ardent love. Boundless enthusiasm.

It's funny how the dictionary gets the words right, but fails to capture the true meaning of something. Can something as big as passion be described or is it better to just feel it?

In this crazy world, is it still possible to be passionate about something or someone? Or have we become so inundated with schedules and expectations that passion is merely something we wish for in the 30 seconds before drifting off to sleep?

For a long time, I thought that passion, for work, for people, for life, was something meant for others. I was too practical, too logical, too analytical for something so messy and emotional. What was I thinking?

We all know that life is short. Every time we turn on the television or the radio, we're reminded of just how fragile we are, how many bad things happen in this world every day. It would be much easier to stay at home, under the covers and hope that the world will just leave us alone. How much do we miss by doing that though?

As each day ticks by in it's relentless, forward march, I am made more aware of just how much time I wasted by worrying and over-analyzing. No more. Starting today, right now, I will push the envelope of my life, expand my horizons and face my fears head on.

I want to bounce out of bed in the morning and go to work where I feel needed and appreciated. More importantly, I want to LOVE what I do, not just cover the monthly expenses. I am going to let myself fall deeply, madly in love with the man in my life and not worry that it might fall like a house of cards.

Mostly, I want people to see me for who I really am. Passionate, intense and living life to the fullest.

All I have to do now is make it happen.