Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Death in the family

It's happened again.


While I understand logically that it happens to all of us and is a part of the natural order of things, it still sucks huge.

Especially when someone you love suffers because of it.

I've lived through the deaths of friends, co-workers, grandparents and other assorted relatives, but it still manages to catch me off guard. There really is no way to prepare for it or to be ready when it finally happens.

So today I'm hugging everyone a little longer, telling everyone I know that I love them and reminding myself that I should do this every day. Not just when the bad stuff happens.

Elisa, wherever you are (and if I have anything to say about it, you're in a much better place) you are missed. Not just by me (who knew you mostly in passing) but by the many, many people who loved you while you were here and will continue to do so now that you're gone.

You brought laughter and love into the lives of those you came in contact with. You've left a hole that no other will ever be able to fill. You left far too early, with too much left to do.

I only hope I can be strong enough to support the one you left behind who matters most to me.

Mental note to self: love deeply and often. Don't forget to mention it always.

Life really is too short.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Friday or why relationships are so much work

Well, here we are.

Friday again. Finally.

Although I would much prefer to believe that I work to live, there are far too many instances of late where I am living to work.

Needless to say, all work and no play has made this Jane a very boring girl.

Of course, it also sets the stage for conflict in every other relationship I'm currently involved in.

My parents wonder if I'm here or have jetted off to another country for work (again)

My sister wishes I'd come and visit. Apparently the kids miss me. I suspect the oldest one is ready for college by now and I was pretty sure the last time I saw him he was only 2.

My roommate is about the only person who sees me any more and that's only because we share living space and similar sleeping patterns.

Finally, my romantic relationship has hit what is affectionately known as a rough patch. Not enough face time, too many pressures and one too many late night phone calls with too much to discuss and not enough solutions.


Does anyone really mind the work that's involved in keeping a relationship going? I don't think so, not if you truly care about the people involved. The question of course is, does it have to be THIS hard?

My guess is no. I suspect, like a lot of others, I make things much harder on myself than they need to be. Trying to do too much and then beating myself up when I fail to succeed. Or at least fail to be as perfect as I expect myself to be.

Bottom line is I'm not perfect. Never have been (no matter how hard I tried). Probably never will be. Some aspirations are harder to shake than others I suppose.

So here I am world, warts and all. Take it or leave it.

Me, I'm off to the movies with friends to eat popcorn and have a laugh or two. Tomorrow is another day and I'm pretty sure that as long as I'm breathing, it'll be a good one.

Friday, May 13, 2005



A powerful emotion, ardent love. Boundless enthusiasm.

It's funny how the dictionary gets the words right, but fails to capture the true meaning of something. Can something as big as passion be described or is it better to just feel it?

In this crazy world, is it still possible to be passionate about something or someone? Or have we become so inundated with schedules and expectations that passion is merely something we wish for in the 30 seconds before drifting off to sleep?

For a long time, I thought that passion, for work, for people, for life, was something meant for others. I was too practical, too logical, too analytical for something so messy and emotional. What was I thinking?

We all know that life is short. Every time we turn on the television or the radio, we're reminded of just how fragile we are, how many bad things happen in this world every day. It would be much easier to stay at home, under the covers and hope that the world will just leave us alone. How much do we miss by doing that though?

As each day ticks by in it's relentless, forward march, I am made more aware of just how much time I wasted by worrying and over-analyzing. No more. Starting today, right now, I will push the envelope of my life, expand my horizons and face my fears head on.

I want to bounce out of bed in the morning and go to work where I feel needed and appreciated. More importantly, I want to LOVE what I do, not just cover the monthly expenses. I am going to let myself fall deeply, madly in love with the man in my life and not worry that it might fall like a house of cards.

Mostly, I want people to see me for who I really am. Passionate, intense and living life to the fullest.

All I have to do now is make it happen.